Tips for supporting parents of special needs children

Being a parent to a disabled or special needs child is no easy task, and they need our support. Many of us know someone who has a child with additional needs, perhaps you are a new friend of one of these parents or you simply know someone at your child's school. If you are wondering how to be a good friend to such a person, this article highlights a handful of tips. From learning about their child’s disability and helping them research stairlift prices to simply taking an interest in their child, there are lots of ways you can support them.

Be there for them

In order to provide support for parents of a disabled child or with special needs, one of the best things you can do is simply be there for them. This is the top piece of advice shared by Amanda, a mother of autistic children from the blog Little Puddins. Speaking to us, she said:

"For many parents of children with additional needs, they can feel overwhelmed and under pressure when trying to do their best for their children. Once you become a parent to a child with additional needs, you also, almost immediately become an advocate, a teacher, and a therapist for your child. If you are considering how to practically help a parent of a child with additional needs, my top advice is to be there for them. Often parents will not tell you they are feeling overwhelmed or are unsure of how best to support their children. Sometimes they need a friendly ear to listen to their concerns, sometimes they need someone trusted to step in and give them a break or offer advice. 

“Ultimately being there for them will be individual to the parent and their family situation, they will be glad of your support, so always offer support if you are in a position to do so.”

As Amanda mentions, being there for them can take many forms. For example, you can offer to help out from time to time, such as with babysitting, providing an extra pair of hands, offering the kids a lift to school, or whatever you can to show you care and give the parents a break.

READ ALSO: How to be a grandparent to a child with disabilities

Ask them what support they need

Sometimes just asking how you can help is the best way forward. Mark, a parent to an autistic son who shares advice for supporting children with special needs and their families on the blog The Additional Needs Blogfather, has spoken to us and shared that simply asking how you can support a parent is the easiest thing:

“There are many top tips that I could suggest for how to support a parent of a special needs child, but my no.1 tip will always be the same... just ask them what support they need! We can end up deciding on behalf of someone what they need and getting it wrong, whereas asking them directly means we can support them in the way they need it most right now. And the answer might be something that we would never have thought of! Even by just asking them, we are showing them that we value them, care about them, and want to know how to support them best. It's simple but really, really effective!”

Encourage child friendships 

Every parent wants their children to flourish, make friendships and live as normal a life as possible, and it’s no different with parents of special needs children – in fact, the desire is only amplified. It can be hard, depending on the child’s disability, for children with special needs to make friends so why not encourage friendships between them and your own kids? Offer invitations for play dates, invite the child to birthday parties, call up the parent in question and try to make some arrangements that work for them.

Have compassion, not pity

We spoke to Vickie, the mother of a child with special needs and who blogs over at Vickie’s Views, and she shared with us some of her top tips for supporting parents in her position. One of her top recommendations is to not pity the parents but to be compassionate:

“Our daughter Jessica has a rare chromosomal deletion; she needs assistance with all daily life skills. Throughout the years, there have been friends of our family who are ‘all in’; they ‘get it!’ These individuals' love and support made a difference in our family life. We don’t want someone to feel sorry for us. We don’t feel sorry for ourselves! Caring for any child is demanding but nurturing a child with additional needs is tremendously exhausting. Offer your services so the parent or parents can go for a walk or go to a quiet room to recharge.”

Be kind

Simple acts of kindness go a long way and this attitude towards families with a special needs child is something Vickie shares as being a great trait of a supportive friend. These friends, Vickie says, “showed our daughter love, friendship, and kindness. Rather than a quick greeting, these people look Jessica in the eyes or perhaps hold her hand to create a connection.

“When we witness others enjoying Jessica, it warms our hearts. We want others to appreciate Jessica's sense of humour, smile, and ability to hum a tune even though she cannot speak words. We feel blessed when others see the wonderful, beautiful daughter that we love, appreciate and value.”

Don’t avoid the topic

It can be common to try and avoid the topic of a child’s disability when in the company of their parents but try not to think of it as off limits. Their child means the world to them, so taking an interest can really mean a lot to them and be a simple way of letting them know you care. Remember that it’s okay to ask questions when it’s coming from a genuine place – the parent might secretly be wishing that someone might take an interest and ask how their child is doing. If you see a parent of a special needs child at your kid’s school, introduce yourself, offer a smile and make a nice comment about their little one – it might make all the difference.

READ ALSO: Tips for helping special needs children change schools

Learn about the child’s disability 

An ideal place to start when looking to support a parent of a special needs child is to learn about the child’s disability. You don’t need to be an expert but having a little bit of knowledge as a friend of the parent can make things a lot easier for all involved. For example, learning some sign language to help communicate with a deaf child will certainly be appreciated by the parent. By showing the parent that you have an understanding of the disability, they will feel more comfortable letting you look after their child and will simply appreciate that you have made an effort. It’s not a case of learning in order to offer parenting advice but to help you to be there for both parent and child as a friend.

Try to be inclusive

While some disabilities provide an obstacle to a child enjoying certain activities, there are still plenty of things that they can enjoy. A great way to support a parent of a disabled child is to try and be as inclusive as possible and suggest days out that everyone, including their child, can enjoy. Vickie, from Vickie’s Views, adds: “Invite the entire family to your events. Find ways that everyone can join in and have fun.”

Think about some local activities that might be appropriate for their child and speak to the parent about arranging something. Invite them to come along with your family for an outing one weekend and if you are unsure about what might be suitable, just ask.

Writing for the Washington Post, mother of four Jamie Davis Smith describes how suggesting inclusive activities goes a long way with her and her own child, Claire: “Claire enjoys playgrounds and movies but not all playgrounds and movies are appropriate for her. Asking us if we would like to meet at a playground that has adaptive equipment or to see a sensory-friendly showing of the latest kids’ movie sends that message that you want to include our entire family on outings.”

Educate your children

Taking some time to educate your own children about another child’s disability is a great idea and will help to increase awareness and understanding as a whole. Your child might not be truly aware of the situation and how the disability works but by simply talking to your child about it, you can help them to understand. Increasing awareness in children goes a long way in fostering friendships and will help your child learn to play with a kid with special needs, and offer help, companionship, and empathy.

Jolene, a mother of a child with special needs, and author of the blog Different Dream, has shared this tip for parents looking to be more supportive: “We need you to prepare your kids to hang out with our kids. If you know you will be spending time with my child who has a disability, talk to your child about it beforehand. Talk about behaviours and ways your child can play with my child. Need ideas? Ask!”

Treat them like a normal friend 

Parents of children with special needs just want to be treated like normal friends. Just because they have a child with a disability, that doesn’t mean they have interests different from your own. Talk to them about other things and invite them to hang out like you would any other friend. Thinking about hitting the shops? Offer them an invitation. Have a free evening coming up? Invite them out for a drink or to lunch on Saturday. They might not always be able to make time, but they will certainly appreciate the offer. Don’t let them become isolated, reach out, even if it’s just for a cup of tea one afternoon.

READ ALSO: Tips for going on a holiday with a disabled child

How to support parents of a disabled child

• Be there for them
• Ask them what support they need
• Encourage child friendships
• Have compassion, not pity
• Be kind
• Don’t avoid the topic
• Learn about the child’s disability
• Try to be inclusive
• Educate your children
• Treat them like a normal friend

If you are friends with someone who has a child with special needs or are just aware of someone in this situation, hopefully, these tips have given you a few ideas about how you can show your support. Be kind, generous, and make the effort – you have no idea what a difference it can make.

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